More reality show reviews...

Been a while since my last blurb on reality shows, so here goes:

"Bromance" - OMG, you have to be KIDDING me! This thing is a car wreck akin to a Tau Kappa Epsolon hazing party, complete with body waxing, fashion shows, homo-erotic paling-around and the lowest-common-denomiator-of-stupid one can find across the unemployed 20-somethings of America. Bruce Jenner is an idiot, and, well, the acorn didn't fall far from the tree...

"The City" - Stupid girl moves to NYC and falls for Australian "musician/playboy" that uses her (and as many other women as he can find) as a cum-dumpster. Every publicitity hound in NYC is eager to join in the fun, but only for the free publicity. Otherwise, said girl would be a middle of the road member of the Vivid Video stable in the Valley...

"Real Housewives of Atlanta" - Oh man, what you you get when you give a bunch of women that normally would be living in public housing millions of dollars? You got it - stupidity! Apparently, this focused on the wives of a bunch of run-of-the-mill nd and 3rd-tier athletes wives burning through their husbands money like a sailor in Subic Bay. I'm really hoping for a follow-up in 10 years when their families are in the soup-kitchen line...which leads us to...

"Real Housewives of the OC, Part Gazzillion" - The plactic-faced chick with the junky for a son leaves, but there's fresh blood, namely a 30 year old with a 70 year old husband with leukemia! Wow...it's SO wrong...yet it's SO right!!! And she goes on vacation while he's in the throughs of chemo and dying...geez...ok, enough of that...

"Rock of Love: Charm School" - Brandy M. finally wins something, beating out Destiney for most improved former stripper/protitute. Good times, but Rock of Love Tour Bus, and Rock of Dayzee are gonna kick it's azz...

"Real Chance of Love" - These guys are AWESOME! Real and Chance were on I Love NY, then I Love Money, now they have their own gig. They have a rap group ("The Stallionaires")...supposedly...but it's more a case of "we're isiots and just like to spend other peoples money". The women are br00tal, and so is the story-line, not for the faint-of-heart...

Thazzit for 2008 - I've shot my load, and so should you...see you in 2009!

Who's a Bigger Idiot?

Bernie Madoff.

Hilarious.

Now, I've done plenty of business in the past with his NASDAQ market-making arm and been ripped off a penny at a time, but this fraud really takes the cake!

13% a year, risk free? Well - which one is it - 13% a year OR risk free? No such thing as both! You want risk-free in this time period? Treasuries or CD's at 3-4% is where you would have been at. If you were too stupid to see through this ruse, too bad for you...

Now there's talk of a "bail out" by the SIPC (and also the government once those funds are tapped out)? You HAVE to be kidding me! "Hey - I lost a couple hundred grand owning some great value stocks - I want to be paid too! AND I actually DID MY HOMEWORK, so I want all my losses in full".

Screw you - you rolled the dice and crapped out, no money for you!

On that note the GM/Ford/Chrysler triumvirate needs to get run through Chapter 11. Bob Johnson Esq.'s motto of "you work with your hands, you gets minimum wage" is the lesson to be learned here - $70/hour pay packages are for those of us that busted our asses in school/college/grad school and have to wear a suit and tie for a living, not the clowns that turn wrenches because they were too drunk and stoned in high school to know how to do anything else.

Same goes for everyone in their respective Department of Horrible Car Designs, as well Senior Managerial Cronies of the UAW - kicked to the curb!

Ideally, the government would split them up like AT&T, creating 10 new independent car companies under a number of badges, run like the Japanese company's plants in the South. But no - there will be a bailout (as a fixed income trader at Cantor mused, "bailing out insinuates that the problem will be fixed"), flushing MORE taxpayer money down the drain while those of us that actually work will be forced to pick up the tab...AGAIN!

Ugh, I need a Valium and a quart of Jack now...

Election Day Recap...

Have you ever wondered, when you look at election results, why you even bother voting?

Bob Johnson, Esq. does - he is the contrarian to end all contrarians - nothing he votes for ever passes or gets elected - NOTHING.

Let's break it down for the denizens of California (as he still votes by absentee ballot from the confines of his yurt outside Kabul)...

Prop 1A - High Speed Rail between L.A. and San Francisco. Passed. Why? We have a high speed rail now, and it's called Southwest Airlines. Another case of Californians spending what they don't have, when the fuck are you going to learn?

Prop 2 - Farm animals can't be caged anymore. Passed. Um, ok, there's a difference between your dog and a chicken. One's a pet, the other is food (well, at least it is in the U.S.). You have now put all the chicken & egg producers out of business in California, so we can import all that stuff from other states now, lowering our tax base. And if you think that it's coming from Mexico, think again - NAFTA's going bye-bye folks...

Prop 3 - Children's hospital bond - See Prop 1A answer -

Prop 4 - Abortions for minors, no questions asked - passed. Um, last I looked, a minor doesn't have the rights of an adult. This just opens the door to the "what is a child/what is an adult"-question. Bad idea...

Prop 5 - Nonviolent Drug Offenses/Sentencing. Wow - fail - much like Prop 8 passing, I'm somewhat shocked. This was a defense lawyer boondogle from the get-go, the mere description in the voter pamphlet was 3-4 pages long - a bad idea regardless.

Prop 6 - Police funding - Fail. Nice - tired of the bottomless source of funds for a bunch of fat moustached guys making $100K+ a year that won't respond to my calls...

Prop 7 - Renewable energy. Oil is $65 a barrel now, think this had a chance?

Prop 8 - Gay Marriage - fail. Almost fell over on this one. Glad to see the left has now firmly re-captured the wacko religious vote that Reagan stole from them originally in 1984 - good luck with that...

Prop 9 - Victim's rights - pass. Still more bizarre "lock 'em up and throw away the key" voting from the state that encourages understanding and compassion - apparently, Californians are hypocrites - I NEVER knew that!

Prop 10 - Alt. Fuel Vehicles - See Prop 7

Prop 11 - Redistricting - pass(ing). Not sure how this is sneaking through - the Democrats have gerrymandered the lines in California to assure re-election in every contest, and Dems hold something like a 2 to 1 advantage in this state...yet they want to give this up? Not getting it...

Prop 12 - Vetern's Bond Act - Pass. See Prop 1A. Like cops, firefighters, school teachers, and puppies, if you so much as question throwing billions of dollars at veterns, you might as well proclaim yourself a child molester - that's just not allowed in California!

As for the obvious race, much like the dog that finally catches the rabbit at the greygound races - what are you going to do with it now that you caught it, Obama?

Looking forward to another 4 years of Jimmy Carter...enjoy it America - you're getting what you deserve...

Strange observations from this weekend...

No real gripes, but just random crap of a Seinfeldian nature...

1) Have you ever noticed that when a kid from anywhere south of Texas dribbles a ball across mid-field at your son's soccer game he will NOT pass and WILL try to take the shot, regardless of the 10 other kids marking him?
2) Have you ever noticed Tim McCarver is still ghey?
3) Have you ever noticed that nothing is really solved by fanning the flames of class warfare ala one particular presidential candidate? Like I am REALLY looking forward to 4 years of Jimmy Carter II, after 8 years of LBJ II...
4) Have you ever noticed that the Boston Red Sox and NY Yankees have ruined baseball?
5) Have you ever noticed that there's really no reason for hair metal bands, other than for us to have something to laugh at? It seems like the participants in this arena don't get that we are laughing AT them, not WITH them...
6) Have you ever noticed that people are idiots when it comes to investing?

Anyway, that's all for now...

Worst Color Man Of All Time: Tim Mc Carver...

I was sitting there at lunch today, thinking about baseball (as I am apt to do), which led me to think of the post-season, which made my stomach turn...post-season means the return of that ass Joe Buck, and the largest idiot in any booth today, Tim McCarver.

What a smug, sanctimonious ass hat. Can you believe that he actually PLAYED baseball (I believe he was actually an All Star a couple times), yet knows NOTHING about the sport itself?

So I get all geeked up to write about my new revelation, when I found out that there are guys that have entire WEBSITES dedicated to hating him - like ShutUpTimMcCarver.com and http://bobfinnan.com/TimMcCarver/! Man - I'm WAY late to the party!

At least I know I can rest in the comfort that he's been outed as a fraud by others too. Which really doesn't explain why he's still employed in this capacity...geez - they could get Tony Cornholer from ESPN to do a better job!

On a lighter note, I fould the website of the year: http://www.morecowbell.dj/. Upload your MP3, add cowbell and Walken, then let rip - Walk The Line by The Man In Black works great in this app...

Al Harris: Worst player in the NFL...

What do you see in this picture?

Looks like a normal, football pic, with a wide receiver for the Bills about to catch a ball for a big gain against a guy from the Packers, right?

Well, yes, it is, but upon further inspection, you will see the cornerback in question is the Worst Player In The NFL, Al Harris. This picture happens several time each week, the wide receiver being different of course, but the one constant in the equation of horrible man coverage is...non other than Al Harris...

Did anyone see the Vikings/Packers game last night? To bolster my theory, if you did see the game, you probably saw Al Harris get BLOWN UP by Adrian Peterson...just the most hilarious attempt at tackling of the year to date...by none other than, yes, Al Harris...

I'm just happy he's not a 49er...because he just truly sucks...

Oh yeah, I forgot - the Bob Marley-thing went out in the 80's, get a haircut you bum...

Wow - a month between blogs - sorry folks, got carried away going camping for a week, and replacing light switches and electrical sockets in my yurt...I'll be more diligent from now on...

Got no anger pent up. Dunno what's wrong. I was expecting the new Metallica album to suck really hard, and from what I've heard, it really could be worse. Alex Smith is sitting on the bench for the 49er's, so that's good (did you see his arm in preseason? Throws like me...). Monta Ellis is out for half the season, but I was expecting him to suck for the Warriors anyway. Giants? Was committed to it being a rebuilding year, it's just a shame they're wasting a Cy Young season by Lincecum.

Okay, okay - I'll get hot and bothered about SOMETHING this weekend - got kid's soccer and winter baseball starting up...

Bob Johnson, Esq. doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.

Those turtles...mmmm - delicious! You can actually get a turtle burger in the Cayman Islands (very rubbery), but I digress...

Anyway, today's rant is directed at heads of small (call it 3-4 branches) mid-west banks that I used to have to service as a fixed-income trader. Mind you, Bob Johnson, Esq. true identity actually holds an MBA and CFA, as well as close to 10 years of fixed income experience, so he knows a little bit about "good investments" vs. "bad investments". So broker XYZ gets me on a conference call 3 years ago with head of bank ABC and he's full-o piss-n-vinegar. Has to gets some ARMs in his portfolio...as well as IOs and POs (if you have to ask, you don't want to know...). Essentially mortgage-backed securities that should be left to the big boys, not Mr. Podunk Bank-Guy. I go on to explain the characteristics of these things (he was clueless as to what they were), the discussion slides downhill to a point where he proclaims:

"I AM A CPA AND I KNOW HOW TO RUN A BANK AND DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME HOW TO DO MY JOB!"

Whoa. "I am a CPA". I had to contain myself from laughing - indeed, while you are well-equipped to do battle auditing a set of financial statements, I really think you might be over-matched here. Which also led me to think of all the things that CPAs do that have NOTHING to do with what they are trained to do (financial planning, taxes...and well - running banks). Anyway, I'd love to see what that ass-hat is doing with that toxic waste I sold him on an UNSOLICITED basis...

(FWIW - Today's blog title brought to you by http://blog.esaba.com/projects/facts/index.php)

Alexander Florida and his Record Player Vs. Michael Savage

So Alexander Florida shoots me an email today, letting me know that he has not only bought his first records (the 1st 2 Ramones albums), but also his first record player, ERRRR, "turntable", for you younguns...how bout that - vinyl is gathering steam again, woo hoo! And I have more records than I know what to do with them - I sense another small eBay fortune in the making, not unlike the one I made last week off selling all my kids Star Wars Legos. I actually MADE money on them, believe it or not - there are WAY too many Star Wars freaks out there...

And in the case of Michael Savage vs. The Enabler Parents, I side with Savage for once. He's an idiot, but yes - there are far too many spoiled brats masquerading as autistic children out there. The REAL problem is their parents and their penchant for exhibiting "Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy"-like excuses to explain why they are too lazy to discipline their kids, allowing the kids that truly are autistic to lose out on the sympathy and help they deserve (see: my rant on the "mysterious dyslexia dilemma of the 90's" from last year, and how it seems to have "just disappeared")...

Wow...almost lost it there...let me get off my soapbox now....

Old men and fans in uniforms...

So I'm watching the U.S. Open the other week, and noticed that not only were the players dressed in Taylor Made shirts, Callaway sweatervests, pressed khakis, Tam O'Shanters and saddle shoes, but everyone in the gallery was as well...

Huh?

Are they waiting for an invite to play? Do they have their clubs in the trunk of the car, in case some qualifier drops out, and they might have a cattle-call to fill a spot with someone from the gallery? I mean, it looks completely idiotic when a baseball manager dresses like the players (see: Don Zimmer), but what if an entire stadium of fans (assuming the majority are not 10-year olds there for Little League Day) showed up in baseball attire for a game?

It's bad enough when guys wear sports jerseys to events, but Golf Fan has taken it to a whole new level of ghey-ness...and golf isn't even a real sport, but a recreational activity (a sport is defined by yours truly as "an event that must include BOTH running and use of the hands simultaneously at some part of the event", leaving golf in the same boat as bowling, dart-throwing, chess and soccer). Go figure...

BTW, hats off to Fresno State for winning the College World Series last night. Screw Georgia - that's what you get for punking Hawaii in the Sugar Bowl. Karma sucks, don't it?

Lex Isle-of-Man, we hardly knew ye also!

Here we go again - another bond trader leaving The World's Worst Independent Broker Dealer on the Face of The Planet Earth and The Some - Alexander Florida's former cohort, Lex Isle of Man. From the Ice Cream Socials masquerading as annual bonuses, to the modern art in the bathroom stalls (see pic at left), Lex finally threw in the towel and left for the friendly climes of St. Louis.

Chad Vanuatu said it best - "He's going to be sorely missed by all in San Diego...especially those of us that like to get him liquored up at the Surf and Saddle and watch him in action competing for those toothless 60 year old cougars throwing up all over themselves"...

Chad, you're an ass...

Until the next post, please ponder this - ugliest man you've ever seen: Mick Mars or Seal? Don't know where that came from either, I'm a little punchy today....feel free to leave comments on this...

"Dinner at your house? Can I bring my dog?"

What the fuck is wrong with people that think that dogs are the equivalent of a spouse, and should receive invites to other people's houses? IT'S NOT A PERSON, IT'S A PET!!!

Would I bring my kid's fish with me to your place? Maybe my cat? As least they don't stink, crap on your rug, and leave their fleas behind. Don't EVEN get me started on the begging for food at the dinner table...

Sorry...rough day...had to get it off my chest...

Alexander Florida, We Hardly Knew You...

Well, Alex Florida has now officially left "The Worst Brokerage In San Diego, Ney, The World That Tries To Fuck You Even After You Leave".

Hats off to you my friend, take heart in the fact that even if your new employer sucks, they can NOT possibly suck as bad as the previous one...even if they have graffiti in their bathrooms (see left)...

BTW, add "Metal Milishuh" to the list of those idiotic stickers on backs of trucks from the last blog...

Out of ideas, and more importantly, anger, this fine Friday in downtown Kabul, gonna hop on the camel to hit happy hour soon, see ya!

You know you're an idiot when...

You've seen 'em - the "look at me"-stickers on the back of any pickup rolling down the road, usually with a pair of rubber testes hanging for the trailer hitch. If you have any of the following, you are a douche bag:
1) Peeing Calvin
2) Raider Nation
3) Bad Boy Club
4) Angel/Devil women
5) Anything starting with "In Loving Memory" (who the fuck thinks this is an appropriate way to honor the deceased? A douche bag? Yep.)
6) NOTW
7) Anything denoting NASCAR, especially "3" for Dale Earnhart
8) Praying Calvin
9) Chevy emblem
And there are SO many more...

Anyway, I have to go coach kids in the Kabul Little League now, see ya Monday...

Bruce Springsteen endorses Obama for president. Huh?

Bruce Springsteen endorses Obama for president.

Why is this a news headline? A college dropout whose more memorable lines reads as "we learned more from a three-minute record, baby, than we ever learned in school"...and we should care what he thinks?

Let's put the shoe on the other foot - what if big-time politician XYZ releases a CD - should this be a news headline, or fodder for late night TV comedy monologues? I'm thinking the latter...

Orrin Hatch, take note...

Stick to turning out those Top 40 hits for your legions of pablum-sucking fans Bruce, and knock off the quasi-politico Bono imitation...on second thought, don't get me started on that idiot either...

Of Jesse Jackson and the Mercedes 300SD...

So my friend and former co-worker Peter Seychelles is looking for a car...stuck driving his father in law's jalopy...he doesn't want a minivan...his wife wants a car with backup video camera attached to the back bumper...they're undecided and at loggerheads - what to do?

Solution - may I humbly suggest a 1980 Mercedes 300SD, with a Sony BetaCam super-glued onto a surf-rack in back, with co-ax cable running to a B&W monitor on the dash in place of the fake burled walnut trim? In Hangover Urine Yellow (as opposed to Pepto Bismal Shit Brown, the only other color offered by Mercedes in the heady-80's)?

Think about it...special thanks to Gary Japan for the idea...

As for the commemoration of MLK Jr.'s assassination 40 years ago today in Memphis, why does the Kato Kalin of civil rights Jesse Jackson need to ruin the whole event? Just because you're in a pair of pictures with MLK doesn't make you a proxy for him, you moron. Sit down and shut up, Mr. Racist Children Out Of Wedlock-man...

Reality Show Reviews...

I have a soft spot for reality TV...there - I said it...

Here's Bob Johnson's rundown of current and recent shows which have only proliferated since the writer's strike started...

Rock of Love II: Are there ANY strippers working in L.A. when this thing is filming? I think every low-rent 2-bit quasi-prostitute there might be a participant on this show, chasing after a second-rate Motley Crue-wannabe singer that has no hair and can't come to grips with it, so he has a rug that's held down by a bandanna.

Wow- how did this thing get legs again? A SECOND time?

Anyway, it's down to Ambre, Dayzee, and, I think, Destiny (seriously - do they get paid in lengthwise folded dollar bills???), with Dayzee in the lead (see pic above), with her tats and street speak (she sounds like Flava Flav). I really hoping Bret Michaels is making a LOT of money off this, as I feel more stupid by osmosis after every viewing this train wreck...

Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant: If anything, this is a reason to show why you shouldn't marry the president of your fan club. Chachi pals around with a couple losers (namely super-pud Johnny, and the older brother from The Wonder Years, who, most recently, was James Schrushy's best buddy before he got sent off to jail for fraud charges) and can't seem to get past an 8th grade mentality. At least his wife (to be) has it right - she hates them too. Which leads into...

My Fair Brady: Peter Brady (age: 50) and some smack-addict-cum-model Adrianne (age: 23) walk around fighting like cats and dogs. Peter can't fathom why his daughter ERRRRRRRRRR, I mean, his wife, won't listen to him and get pregnant. She wonders why he can't see why she's just using him to get ahead in this modeling career that hasn't seemed to start yet. Madcap-antics ensue...and where does an actor that hasn't worked in 30+ years get all this money?

High School Reunion: A bunch of hicks from Texas that went to high school together get thrown into this weird Big Brother situation in Hawaii, where everyone loves each other until they drop an ass that slept with one of the guy's wives in. Now it's just "eerie awkward silence show" as both the other dude and his (now) ex-wife are there too...waiting for the fistfight to break out...

The 808: Boneheads on the North Shore of Oahu show why it's OK to party 24/7, not go to school or work, get in fights and act like all-around jerks in the name of being local and preserving culture. But the surfing is good.

But the best has to be Paradise Hotel II (because one wasn't enough), as Nate got voted off, then went home, gathered his things, drove to a cell tower, and jumped off it, leaving a 6" divot in the ground. Fox then STILL aired the show after knowing this...

From Wikipedia - I can't make this stuff up...

Nathan "Nate" Clutter (25 years old) worked at a call center in Phoenix, AZ. His official profile states he is "articulate, smart and courteous".^[11] Nathan committed suicide on October 12, 2007 shortly after production wrapped on Paradise Hotel 2. He killed himself by jumping off of an Alltel cellular telephone tower, though his death was covered by the show's networks by saying he was killed in an climbing accident in Amarillo, TX.^[12] Nathan's family and the producers decided to keep Nathan's scenes in the full run of the episodes.

There's more, but I have to rest for now...it's almost happy hour...

Firewalled!

Goodness gracious! I'm firewalled at a major Wall Street firm! YES!!! The revolution continues!!!!

Or, maybe it was just blogger.com that got firewalled....hmmm...well - I vote for ME being the reason!

Anyway, angry rant of the day is "middle aged autograph seeker"...

Let me explain....I can't get enough of the desert, so I drag the boys to Peoria, AZ. for some Cactus League action...we're running late for the Padres/A's game on Saturday, but I promised the boys we'd try to meet a couple players, so we walk the long way to the gate, past the batting cages, when we see Brian Giles. Woo hoo - I'm gonna be parent of the year if I can get him to sign a ball for them. So we wait for 10 minutes, he wraps up BP, and on his way out some 300 lb slob with a bag of baseball bats - no fewer than 15-20 of them - almost assaults Giles, demanding he sign as many as possible. After 2 of them, Giles says enough and tries to cut out, but not before I intercept him for the kids. He's very cool, comes over with Wally Joyner (their hitting coach), sign my kids baseballs, and go about their merry way on the golf cart. We go on to the game, when I start thinking...

"Man...what possesses a sweaty 50+ year old 300-lb+ man to act all ghey about getting autographs from a guy on a bat from a bag of bats that must weigh 100 lbs.?"

Hmmm...*I* had an excuse for chasing down autographs...as for him, I think George Carlin said it best: "When you're a boy, you collect baseball cards...but if you're a man, they're just pictures of other men..."

You get the idea....

Eliot Spitzer...man...this one is TOO easy!

Geez...I guess the bigger they come, the harder they fall...(with all apologies to Mr. Cliff...)

Anyway, you know the story...the funny thing here is Spitzer hangs in there, and in a month, everyone forgets this ever happened. Like this is the first time a government official has ever slept around on his family...ever hear of the Kennedys?

Wifey needs to kicks this ass to the curb and enjoy the alimony...that's my take, and it doesn't suck...

"Don't Eat the Tom Yum..."

So I'm out on the town in Kabul with long-time associates Gary Japan and Lex Isle of Man when the hankering for Thai food got the best of us...

Hemingway, I'm not...

Anyway, Gary had just flown in from a raccoon-killing spree in Memphis, and was dying for some Tom Yum soup...which he insisted, "be hot"...it arrives, I comment, "you'll be sorry", and 10 minutes later, he's drinking more Diet Pepsi than you can shake a stick at...I think he survived, as Lex and I sent him off to claim his suitcases at Kabul International (his flight got messed up), although he has not replied to any emails I have sent today...possible he might have incinerated from the inside out over-night...

So on to the Angry Item of the Day...

So I coach baseball in the Kabul Little League...2 teams...which leads me to this Public Service Announcement:

"Little League is NOT a free babysitting service. Please have your child, mentally and physically ready to play baseball - we are not here to grab-ass, spit on others, use four-lettered words, hit, disrespect, or spin-around in the outfield like ballerinas. Just because you're a crappy parent that can't say no to your child, do NOT think that I can't either".

Rant...over...

The Mars Volta Rules and Chowds Suck...

Yep - that's right - The Mars Volta for President. Funkified samba dancing for everyone!

Still bitter I couldn't see them recently (the "Afghani Tour 2008" softball tees haven't really taken off in Kabul yet...as they haven't really toured here...), and San Diego correspondents Chad Vanuatu and Alexander Florida were unable to get into the sold-out CD release party last week, so no love there.

Oh well - thank allah for bittorrent and bootlegs...


Now onto another issue...stupid chowds and who I hate more - the Pats or the Giants...sour faced Bellachick vs. Bad Sunglasses in a Tanning Bed Coughlin...Stetson Brady and Dumbshit Hick Eli...my god, why couldn't this end in a tie?

And then the Giants defense makes the Pats O-line look like a bunch of grade-schoolers...so the obvious MVP is Mr. Throws Over The Wrong Shoulder, Eli The Hick? C'mon...you might as well made Trent Dilfer MVP when the Ravens won the Super Bowl. That was about as stupid as Doug Williams getting the MVP, after Timmy Smith single-handedly won the Super Bowl for the Redskins 20-some years ago...

Anyway, the end result of kicking the chowds in the teeth was the desired result, but just be careful what you wish for - now we have to listen to the incessant ramblings of the bronx bunch...even though their team is in New Jersey...

Harbor Freight - Does anyone really buy this crap?

I probably get 10 Harbor Freight Tools catalogs and emails a week, imploring my to buy cheaply made Chinese tools for next to nothing. You probably could outfit a complete workshop for $100...although much like dinner at a Chinese restaurant, you'd have to buy the tools again a month later...

That being said, who the hell gets rich selling $1.49 hammers? Out of catalogs with no rhyme or reason to their offerings (they seem to have a lot of garden gnomes in stock), oftentimes showing the same product 3-4 times in the same catalog...with 3-4 different prices?

Well, Eric L. Smidt, apparently that's who. Check out the digs - it's Marvin Davis's old house - "The Knoll", here's the specs:

"The Georgian-style estate has 25,000 square feet of living space, two pools, a tennis court, two guesthouses, a screening room and, of course, two wine cellars. With 13 bedrooms and 12 baths, there's plenty of room for guests. The home was built in 1955 for the widow of an oil heir, and was previously owned by country-singer Kenny Rogers. "

Okay, having The Gambler living there is kind of creepy, but nice score nonetheless. 10 acres in Beverly Hills - sucks to be him.

I wouldn't want to commute to his office in Camarillo from there anyway...

Now THAT'S funny...

So Eddie Lampert fires Sear's CEO and also announces that each division will be a separately managed entity...what - 2 days after the recommendation appeared here? Yeah - like I said - send me a check!

Ok, enough financial genius. What's REALLY got my panties in the bunch is finally realizing what language I SHOULD have been learning in high school, not what I actually wasted my time on...

Last year I'm in Hawaii (yeah, I know - a long way from Kabul), snorkling around when a notice a local guy that had about 20 Japanese tourists with him suiting up for a dive. The interesting things was, he spoke PERFECT Japanese, and had complete command of his audience. This went on for the week or so I was there, each day with a different group of tourists from Japan.

Then it hit me - what are these guys paying him? Figure about $100 a head (at least), times 20 heads = $2000 a day gross, less, call it $500 in expenses...still, $1500 for half a days work? In Hawaii? On the beach?

This is the part where you go "Boy, aren't *I* glad I can order beers and ask where the bathroom is in Tiajuana..."

Moral of the story - do what everyone else in the world outside the U.S. does - learn the language of the countries that have all the money, not the ones that don't...

One piece of poo + another piece of poo = greatest investment of all time?

So here lies Sears Holdings - off 50% or more from it's all-time high. What's wrong? Do they hold toxic-tranche CDO's?

Nope.

They sell clothes. Badly.

I realize when Eddie Lampert bought the bonds of a bankrupt K-Mart back-in-the-day, that there was some underlying value in the real estate holdings and inventory, bully to him (and Marty Whitman of 3rd Avenue Funds) for doing the due diligence and knocking it out of the park. Bring it out of Chapter 11, convert the debt to equity and get the hell out - that's how's it's done, right?

Apparently not...

Fresh off a weekend of crack-smoking, he goes out and decides that they should merge with Sears...possibly an even LARGER piece of shit. The market goes crazy - "Eddie Lampert is the new Warren Buffett!" proclaim the pundits, and both stocks take off like a rocket, headed toward wedded bliss.

I laughed heartily, wondering why this putz was going to throw away his reputation as a savvy hedge fund manager for a life of being called "The Dumbest Man In Retail". Poo + Poo = A large piece of poo, not the next Microsoft.

It's only now that the market is figuring out that this is a $20 stock, not a $200 one...idiots...

Here's the answer you are looking for Eddie: break what's left into a tool store (Craftsman), a clothing store (LL Bean), and an appliance/electronics store (Kenmore). You can Paypal me a McKinsey-esque consulting fee later...I know you're good for it...

Countrywide, Part Deux...

You'll remember my call of Countrywide going under on August 16th, right? Armed with this information, it looks like no shortage of large institutional idiots got their checkbooks out and bought large positions around $20 a share. Well done guys - it's now $8...and that's after a run-up in the shares today thanks to "unidentified sources" (aka, some hedge fund that is long and desperately trying to unload shares pretending he "knows an insider") floating a rumor that B of A was going to buy it...

As I am fond of saying, "beware the CEO with a scratch golf handicap"... I can now also add another investing rule..."beware the CEO that has a George Hamilton-complex regarding his tan"...