Chain Link Fencing: Why?

Who the fuck decided that chain link fencing looks good in your back or front yard? Nothing says "look at me - I'm a dirtbag" more than chain link fencing on a private residence. Am I wrong here? Granted, there's lots of rolls-o-barbed wire around here in Kabul, but that's more of a "keeping idiots with bombs away from me"-thing rather than feeding a personal aesthetic.

I have spoken...

Dumb Like a Sack of Hammers...

So...I've been watching "The Hills" on MTV (yes, we have DirecTV here in my yurt outside Kabul), and I think I have found the two dumbest people living: Audrina and her quasi-boyfriend that I don't think has a name - I really doubt he could remember it if he did anyway (we're call him "Hey You" for the sake of arguement...)

Anyway, I think I, too, have lost IQ points by osmosis by merely watching this train wreck waiting to happen...there's also this girl Heidi that seems somewhat together, but she's engaged to some dude that is even LESS intelligent than Hey You (although he does seem to have a touch better fashion sense than Hey You's "Look What I Found In The Dumpster Last Night!"-attire). Just awesome...

Oh well, enough of that - it's almost time for The Real Housewives of Orange County...

New word for the new year...Sniglets - eat your heart out...

You know, I've been a bitter man since I coined the word "wifebeater" and everyone ran with it (I'm dead-serious, by the way...)

That being said, it's been a LONG time since I came up with new vocab for Webster's...and I think I've got one...

Are you ready? Really? Seriously - sit your ass down for this one...

"Skiñata"

Just what is a "skiñata", you ask, o' denizen of this fine blog? Quite simply, it's one of the many shards of formerly blistered skin that hangs from the roof of your mouth after eating piping hot pizza (as I did last night)...

Get it? Genius. Skin hanging like little piñatas. Now you know...

Ok folks - December 10, 2007 - let it be know THIS is where you heard it first...

(BTW, like the tilde on the "n"???? "Alt 0241" is the answer to "Just how DID he do it?"...The answer to your other question is "About half an hour, which I will never get back...")

You goota be frickin' kiddin' me...

So I'm opening my email, when this note from Lex Isle of Man out of St. Louis hits my inbox...he shoots me an MPEG of these guys "noodling" (aka "hogging"), or, fishing with your arms...which leads to THIS (see pic) - "Girls Gone Grabblin'".

The world is ending soon...

Man, been a long time since last post, been fending off all sorts of fun, but should be making the regular weekly posts again now...

I now get to go to the DMV to renew my license...if you think the wait is bad in The States, you've never seen the Kabul DMV...hopefully, I can get parking for my camel...

What's wrong with children today, and more importantly, their parents...

I was at the kids soccer (I mean, "football", as it's know over here) practice the other day, and noticed a couple of unruly children, one of which actually kicked his mom's shins. In a state of disbelief, she offered up an excuse for him - "he has ADD, it's ok..." she muttered are she limped off to her lawn chair.

Attention Deficit Disorder? This is an excuse for being an asshole?

Which got me thinking...the most disruptive students in my kid's classes are referred to as having something called "ass-burger's syndrome"...which means they are super-smart (standardized tests say so!), but can't cope with a "structured learning environment"...which is ok, because once you enter the workforce, there will be LOTS of employers waiting to have you crap in your hand and fling it across the office in the name of your "genius".

This leads me to my point: apparently, we can now differentiate between stupid assholes (ADD) and smart assholes (ass-burger). Glad about that, because I was still referring to them with the oh-so-90's term of "dyslexic" that was so popular back then...

Next Week's Topic: "Peanut Allergy: Just Who Invented It and Why Didn't it Exist Until 10 Years Ago?"

Stupid Chowds...

Fantastic.

Boston won the World Series. So we can listen to these tales of how the world revolves around Beantown...again...

I can honestly say I hate the Red Sox as much as I hate the Dodgers now.

And before you Yankee fans start jumping on this bandwagon, you're running a close third on my "Teams to Hate of 2007"-list, so don't get too cocky over there.

The one thing that keeps Beantown on top of the list, though, is it's ability to not contribute anything to U.S. GDP, yet still be knee-deep in federal pork projects and give-aways.

A special thanks goes out to the Kennedys for forming the architecture that is letting me run with this "entitled hypocritical drunken white Catholic racist (but won't admit it) that sleeps around on his wife"-stereotype.

Did I say I also hate the Red Sox? :)

Ok...discuss...

Idiots Going Down With The Ship...

From Chad Vanuatu in San Diego:

"Why am I bitter? Because the whole city is covered in smoke and I feel like I ingested 3 packs of Carmel unfiltereds a day this week. My largest issue is the firefighters wasting their time clearing neighborhoods of people when they could have been fighting fires. You tell people to leave once, and if they choose to stay behind and go down with their house, that's their choice. Sometimes the gene pool needs a little chlorine..."

No truer words have been spoken. Chad Vanuatu: True American...

Sub-Prime Mortgage Jack-offs...

Flash back to 1992...I'm buying my first yurt, and insisting on a 30 year fixed mortgage at, like, 7.5%. All my new neighbors are laughing at me, as my payment is something like $1700/month, whereas their payments are about $700 on their 4% ARMs.

Wife and I save money, re-finance, move, re-finance 3 times more. Neighbors buy new cars, boats and clothes with HELOCs.

Flash forward 15 years...my mortgage payment is about the same as the rent on a one bedroom apartment now, and the neighbors are crying babyshoes because their ARMs are 8-9% and they can't refi because they have no equity left in their houses, and their credit sucks.

Mind you, none of my current neighbors are in this situation, but I need someone to demonize in this story, so lets pretend...

Anyway, what I was getting at is look at the picture to see what I think of your dilemma, Mr. and Mrs. Spend Too Much Money That's Not Yours...two words - "too bad".

Yassir Arafat, Jimmy Carter, and...Al Gore.

The Three Stooges?

No - all Nobel Peace Prize winners.

I'm trying to suppress the nausea right now...I really had thought everyone right, left and middle, was able to see through Al The Klown for what he is (two-faced hypocrite) what with the endless claims about inventing the internet (granted - WAY over-blown, but nice to tag him with the quote to knock his bloated potato-faced ego down to size), his environmentally-unfriendly homestead, and insisting on being toted around in huge chauffeured SUV's rather than in cars that might pollute a LITTLE less.

Not to mention his endless jet travel that pollutes a lot more than any of the aforementioned items...

I guess my rant should be directed at the Nobel Prize board, for their stupidity, rather than our modern-day Chauncey Gardiner...which, if you've seen "Being There", fits Al Gore surprisingly well...

"Bret Michaels: Rock of Love" update...

So, I KNOW you all have been watching "Bret Michaels: Rock of Love" and were disappointed when Jes rebuffed him on the final "staged catfight" hosted by none other than former Cathouse proprietor/host of Headbanger's Ball Rikki Rachtman (looking a LITTLE haggard with the "Hi - I just dyed what's left of my hair with the off-the-shelf 'Emo Black Dye In A Box' "-look).

ANYWAY, looks like there's gonna be a Rock of Love II, which begs the questions:

1) Are there ANY more strippers in L.A. that didn't already try out for this thing and get run?
2) Could the contestants get ANY uglier?
3) See previous post on "women's ass crack tattoos" - manditory for participating in this slap in the face to humanity. Thanks to Alexander Florida for pointed out these are actually referred to as "tramp stamps" - I like it!
4) Has Bret Michaels saved ANY money from his stint as the singer for the red-headed step-child to Motley Crue? How embarrassing to have to submit to this crap...

Regardless, if they can get the chick that barfed and tried to shove it back in with her hand (only to have it squirt out between her nose and index finger) back, I'm ALL about it...

Hey - Mr. Stupid Tattoo Guy!

Starting to fade in my prolific postings, went all last week without one! Well, that's what happens when you're one of 2 guys trying to close out the quarter...but we're on top of things and I'll keep the insults coming...

Speaking of insults, remember when fratboys stated getting barbed wire tats around the biceps (which segued into "the stupid tribal band thing"), and sorority girls started in with the "hey - I'm easy" tats above their ass cracks? Yeah...stupid, huh?

They'll all starting to hit their 30's now...NOW who's laughing...losers....

Leave the tats to the guys that wear denim and leather & listen to good music, NOT anything associated with American Idol.

I have spoken...discuss...

Just what IS the worst album of all time?

A classic question, usually posed by Rolling Stone or some other worthless/irrelevant magazine of their ilk...and they get it wrong EVERY TIME! It's Supertramp's "Breakfast in America"...

Quintessentially, the more horrible affront to music...ever. I really wanted to use Journey as an example, but their "music" doesn't haunt me like children's lullabies that I can't get out of my head...

Who was it that deemed this piece of shit worthy of continued FM radio airplay for...ohh...the last 30 years or so? Why? WHY??? NO ONE LIKES THE ALBUM - STOP IT!!!

On a lighter note, Chad Vanuatu reports that the Regents Road bridge is being built over Rose Canyon now, despite the protests of the well-to-do denizens of University City, ERRRR, I mean "environmentalists". Just goes to show the power of "the blog"....

Soccer is Evil...

So the kid's soccer league decided that they didn't want to play games this last Saturday for some unknown reason. BUT...it's ok to waste my entire Sunday for kid's pictures at a field that's off in the middle of nowhere. Note to kid's sports photographers: schedule kid's pictures 15 minutes before an actual game in the early part of the season - don't mess with my football viewing on a Sunday, especially when the Niners ore on....

Also, from Chad Vanuatu in San Diego: "Milton Bradley is an idiot".

'Nuff said....

New Celebrities = Old Celebrities

Has anyone noticed that Tonya Harding and Jeff Gilloolie are the same thing as Britney Spears and Kevin Federline? Same "Look at me - I'm famous because I'm famous"-personalities, when in fact they would be much better suited to filling condiment jars on the Heinz Foods assembly line if life were indeed fair...when is Perez Hilton going to point this out when you really need him/her?

Speaking of, why are Kid Rock and Tommy Lee still in the news? My grandmother could kick both of their scrawny 98 heroin scared bodies up and down the aisle of the MTV Video Awards all night long - why was pushing match/hair-pulling fest news-worthy? Were the news crews hoping they'd kiss? Is MTV so irrelevant they need these wash-ups in their audience? Weak...

And lastly, did anyone know that Tori Spelling and husband (fill in former boy band member *here*) own a bed and breakfast in Fallbrook, Ca....AND have a reality show about it? Fallbrook? The home of white supremacist Tom Metzker and avocado groves? Wow...and they wonder why no one visits...

Back in Kabul...and Angry as Ever...

Well, the trip back to the yurt was long and arduous, but we made it! To recap the Hawaii trip:
1) Found why the locals hate haoles - they do nothing but "steal and surf", accord to our buddy checker-girl at Foodland. Worked hard to overcome the stigma...but they still hated me...
2) Insects are everywhere (namely cockroaches) - deal with it.
3) LAX is staffed with the least intelligent people you will ever meet - they make the DMV flunkies seem like the Cato Institute...
4) Strong Current Surf Shop is now a T-shirt store...with 3 boards in a back closet for sale...good job, Dick Brewer...
5) Banana Hammocks on 300lb. men = bad idea...

The best part is we came back to a pleasant smell emanating from the wall of the yurt - looks like a pinhole leak upstairs (this is a fancy yurt, mind you) in the cold water pipe that has soaked the entire side of my humble abode. I tore out dry (now "wet") wall, and tracked it down. Being afraid of anything that has to do with plumbing (or electrical, for that matter), I called a plumber. He was the happiest guy in the world - and I found out why. He charged me US$600 for 2 hours of his time to fix it.

I didn't recall seeing either "Harvard Law" or "Partner" on his business card....then again, I think $300/hour would be steep for them!

Haole Beatdown on the North Shore...

The Family Johnson is on the North Shore of Oahu right now. Lots in common with Kabul - like sand. Sneaking this report in whilst the family sleeps, but there will be full reports upon our return to the yurt...like "The Case of The Stolen Surfboard", "I Don't Pick Up My Dog's Shit On the Beach", and "I Hate Haoles...But You Should Still Visit and Drop Your Money"...

Angry Old People, Yurts, and the CFA Exam...

Our San Diego correspondent, Chad Vanuatu, comes back to us again more witty insight on the state of the San Diego retirement community: "I'm driving on Governor Drive, looking at these near-misses and assholes-in-general in the Henry's shopping center there and wonder why are you, bluehair, in such a hurry to get your double coupon ad Wednesday super bonus, can't say "thanks" when I open a door for you, drive like a fucking maniac in a shoe box sized parking lot, as well as wander around aimlessly looking to get run over once you park and get out of your car?"

Chad - get a life. Old people are useless and a drag on society, deal with it...

Alexander Florida, in an unsolicited response to a post the other day, mentioned,

"In my ignorance, I was pointed to the Bloomberg definition of "yurt" which reads "A circular, domed, portable tent used by nomadic peoples of central Asia". Nicely done."

Indeed, my people refer to them as "Kherga", as that is the Afghan-ese version of the "yurt", but you get the idea all the same...

And, just to beat back the complaints that I'm too negative, congrats go out to El Nino Namibia of Lafayette - he passed Level III of the CFA exam. I think that the certificate by this time is the size of a billboard, hopefully you have a wall large enough for the thing...

Ok - enough love, this is starting to sound like Paul Harvey...."Good day"...

First Review!

Hey - got some kind words from Savannah East-Timor - The Original Jersey Girl - when apprised of the daily blog:

"i SO know what i'm doing every morning when i have my coffee now... i can't believe i've been missing out on this all week!"

Truer words have never been uttered - turn your friends onto The Original Angry White Middle Aged Male Blog right now - "I'm Right and You're Wrong" - it's like having your dad scream at you right on your desk!

Countrywide is going bankrupt...does that mean I don't have to pay them any more?

One nice thing that has arisen from this "subprime crisis" is the drop in the number of used car salesmen, ERRRR, I mean "mortgage brokers" inundating me with "ReFi Now!" junk mail. I swear - I was getting 5-6 pieces of mail a day trying to convince me that a 5 1/2% 30-year loan really DID suck, and that I should take out a 3/1 ARM - it was a MUCH better deal...

On that note, will SOMEONE out there rub-out Wesley Hoaglin and his irritating "ticking time bomb" commercials - now THAT would be the "biggest no-brainer of all time"...

Now that Merrill has decreed Countrywide near insolvency (that's funny - they had them as a "buy" until the day before yesterday...), do I get my yurt for free now that they're going under?

No? Huh. Well - THAT sucks...

Heeeeeyyyyy, Mr. Stall-Urinater...

So I walk down the alley to the outhouse to throw some mud, and in the midst of my respite, some other guy comes walking in. No worries (unless he's in a wheel chair, as I like to stretch out in the handicap stall - you'd be surprised how efficient the plaintiff's bar was in getting Afghanistan ADD-compliant in that regard...), until he waltzes into the stall next to me...to take a piss.

BUDDY! Yeah, I know there is a contingent of guys out there that can't deal with the trough/urinal-thing for whatever reason when there's a bunch of other guys looking at you impressive 2", but to have to stall-piss with NO ONE looking? Weak. You also the guy who's piss I had to mop off the seat before my Financial Times-reading session. When the Roberto's wants out my backside, IT WANTS OUT and there's no time for piss-mopping...get with the program, you pig...

At least he wasn't sitting...

Goldman Sachs: Idiots...

I can't believe that GS's "Global Equities Opportunity" fund needs a $3B bailout because their computer didn't understand that markets go up and markets go down.

I think the term "quant" can officially be deemed the equivalent of "idiot" now - Mr. Roget, please proceed...

This is also a call out all the frustrated engineers, physicists and mathematicians on Wall St. We in finance would like you to go home now, and let the rest of us that know how to invest do the actual investing.

How would YOU like it if the finance folks got into applying for worthless grants, designing city water systems, and cornering the market in bad hygene?

I didn't think so. So please - just go away....

Palm Desert + 110 degrees = Bad Golf

The family and I stepped out to Palm Dessert from our yurt in Kabul for fun and games in the cooler environs this weekend. Not having played in a year (since the last time I was out there), I was pretty smooth on the front 9 with a lights-out 62 (yes, in my world that is "lights out"), when mental bugaboos and the sub-prime mortgage meltdown caused my game to go significantly south from there. Blame Bear Sterns - it's their fault...

By the way, as I watched ants running amok around my kitchen, it reminded me that I really hate the clown that suggests that "they're really looking for water - not sugar" whenever I complain about the never-ending parade of them circling my yurt looking for an easy entrance to my kitchen. I will make a point of sending you my kid's lollipop covered in blackened insecticided carcasses next time I find one behind the couch...

Don't be that guy...because you're nothing more than "global warming big hurricane conspiracy theory I know more than you because I don't shower and listen to the Dead"-guy...just go away and live off your trust money quietly...

Tomorrow's update will touch on something else that irritates me...perhaps Gino Toretta's family's fine bar "Antler's" and why they haven't franchised it yet...

"Of Angry Senior Citizens and Raccoons..."

On the topic of handicapped parking spaces, why doesn't the government just hand permits out to everyone? Or, better yet, just make ALL spaces handicapped, and reserve 10 regular spaces in the back of the lot for the 2% of the population that is "healthy" enough to make that 100 yard trek to the front door of Costco. Has anyone noticed that the "handicapped" are usually the ones that need the exercise from a long walk the most? Get off your Rascal, fatso, and get crackin'...

From our Memphis correspondent Gary Japan, we have a new sport - Urban Coon Hunting. He describes - "Well, you need a .22 caliber rifle that's fully auto and a carbine, with sub-sonic ammo so as not to alarm the neighbors. Then, I have a motion detector that wakes me up by shining a blinding light in my face when it gets tripped. I rarely sleep anymore with all the false alarms, but my newborn son Tommie Barbados keeps me up anyway.

I've picked one off already, and I dropped off in back of a Del Taco for use in their lunchtime special. I was bummed though - I should have saved the tail for hanging from the rear-view mirror of my F-250. Oh well - I got lots more coons on my radar!"

Tomorrow: Gary Japan's buddy Robb Uruguay and his mysterious Tivo loaded with porno...

Chad Vanuatu: Our San Diego correspondent...

May I introduce Chad Vanuatu, our San Diego correspondent. He's been living there for about 20 years, and has plenty to gripe about.

Today's issue: His commute home.

"So, after moving 2 miles in about 20 minutes, I wonder why I must sit and inhale fumes all the way down Gennessee Ave. Wait - I forgot - there are something like 20 people living on Regents Road, masquerading as environmentalists, standing in the way of completing the bridge over Rose Canyon, which would enable cars to run at an efficient speed and cut time off the commute and the pollution released into the environment. Thanks assholes."

Tomorrow's possible issue: Changing the signs for handicapped spots to "Anyone Who's Over 55 and Really Fat on a Rascal"....