Haole Beatdown on the North Shore...

The Family Johnson is on the North Shore of Oahu right now. Lots in common with Kabul - like sand. Sneaking this report in whilst the family sleeps, but there will be full reports upon our return to the yurt...like "The Case of The Stolen Surfboard", "I Don't Pick Up My Dog's Shit On the Beach", and "I Hate Haoles...But You Should Still Visit and Drop Your Money"...

Angry Old People, Yurts, and the CFA Exam...

Our San Diego correspondent, Chad Vanuatu, comes back to us again more witty insight on the state of the San Diego retirement community: "I'm driving on Governor Drive, looking at these near-misses and assholes-in-general in the Henry's shopping center there and wonder why are you, bluehair, in such a hurry to get your double coupon ad Wednesday super bonus, can't say "thanks" when I open a door for you, drive like a fucking maniac in a shoe box sized parking lot, as well as wander around aimlessly looking to get run over once you park and get out of your car?"

Chad - get a life. Old people are useless and a drag on society, deal with it...

Alexander Florida, in an unsolicited response to a post the other day, mentioned,

"In my ignorance, I was pointed to the Bloomberg definition of "yurt" which reads "A circular, domed, portable tent used by nomadic peoples of central Asia". Nicely done."

Indeed, my people refer to them as "Kherga", as that is the Afghan-ese version of the "yurt", but you get the idea all the same...

And, just to beat back the complaints that I'm too negative, congrats go out to El Nino Namibia of Lafayette - he passed Level III of the CFA exam. I think that the certificate by this time is the size of a billboard, hopefully you have a wall large enough for the thing...

Ok - enough love, this is starting to sound like Paul Harvey...."Good day"...

First Review!

Hey - got some kind words from Savannah East-Timor - The Original Jersey Girl - when apprised of the daily blog:

"i SO know what i'm doing every morning when i have my coffee now... i can't believe i've been missing out on this all week!"

Truer words have never been uttered - turn your friends onto The Original Angry White Middle Aged Male Blog right now - "I'm Right and You're Wrong" - it's like having your dad scream at you right on your desk!

Countrywide is going bankrupt...does that mean I don't have to pay them any more?

One nice thing that has arisen from this "subprime crisis" is the drop in the number of used car salesmen, ERRRR, I mean "mortgage brokers" inundating me with "ReFi Now!" junk mail. I swear - I was getting 5-6 pieces of mail a day trying to convince me that a 5 1/2% 30-year loan really DID suck, and that I should take out a 3/1 ARM - it was a MUCH better deal...

On that note, will SOMEONE out there rub-out Wesley Hoaglin and his irritating "ticking time bomb" commercials - now THAT would be the "biggest no-brainer of all time"...

Now that Merrill has decreed Countrywide near insolvency (that's funny - they had them as a "buy" until the day before yesterday...), do I get my yurt for free now that they're going under?

No? Huh. Well - THAT sucks...

Heeeeeyyyyy, Mr. Stall-Urinater...

So I walk down the alley to the outhouse to throw some mud, and in the midst of my respite, some other guy comes walking in. No worries (unless he's in a wheel chair, as I like to stretch out in the handicap stall - you'd be surprised how efficient the plaintiff's bar was in getting Afghanistan ADD-compliant in that regard...), until he waltzes into the stall next to me...to take a piss.

BUDDY! Yeah, I know there is a contingent of guys out there that can't deal with the trough/urinal-thing for whatever reason when there's a bunch of other guys looking at you impressive 2", but to have to stall-piss with NO ONE looking? Weak. You also the guy who's piss I had to mop off the seat before my Financial Times-reading session. When the Roberto's wants out my backside, IT WANTS OUT and there's no time for piss-mopping...get with the program, you pig...

At least he wasn't sitting...

Goldman Sachs: Idiots...

I can't believe that GS's "Global Equities Opportunity" fund needs a $3B bailout because their computer didn't understand that markets go up and markets go down.

I think the term "quant" can officially be deemed the equivalent of "idiot" now - Mr. Roget, please proceed...

This is also a call out all the frustrated engineers, physicists and mathematicians on Wall St. We in finance would like you to go home now, and let the rest of us that know how to invest do the actual investing.

How would YOU like it if the finance folks got into applying for worthless grants, designing city water systems, and cornering the market in bad hygene?

I didn't think so. So please - just go away....

Palm Desert + 110 degrees = Bad Golf

The family and I stepped out to Palm Dessert from our yurt in Kabul for fun and games in the cooler environs this weekend. Not having played in a year (since the last time I was out there), I was pretty smooth on the front 9 with a lights-out 62 (yes, in my world that is "lights out"), when mental bugaboos and the sub-prime mortgage meltdown caused my game to go significantly south from there. Blame Bear Sterns - it's their fault...

By the way, as I watched ants running amok around my kitchen, it reminded me that I really hate the clown that suggests that "they're really looking for water - not sugar" whenever I complain about the never-ending parade of them circling my yurt looking for an easy entrance to my kitchen. I will make a point of sending you my kid's lollipop covered in blackened insecticided carcasses next time I find one behind the couch...

Don't be that guy...because you're nothing more than "global warming big hurricane conspiracy theory I know more than you because I don't shower and listen to the Dead"-guy...just go away and live off your trust money quietly...

Tomorrow's update will touch on something else that irritates me...perhaps Gino Toretta's family's fine bar "Antler's" and why they haven't franchised it yet...

"Of Angry Senior Citizens and Raccoons..."

On the topic of handicapped parking spaces, why doesn't the government just hand permits out to everyone? Or, better yet, just make ALL spaces handicapped, and reserve 10 regular spaces in the back of the lot for the 2% of the population that is "healthy" enough to make that 100 yard trek to the front door of Costco. Has anyone noticed that the "handicapped" are usually the ones that need the exercise from a long walk the most? Get off your Rascal, fatso, and get crackin'...

From our Memphis correspondent Gary Japan, we have a new sport - Urban Coon Hunting. He describes - "Well, you need a .22 caliber rifle that's fully auto and a carbine, with sub-sonic ammo so as not to alarm the neighbors. Then, I have a motion detector that wakes me up by shining a blinding light in my face when it gets tripped. I rarely sleep anymore with all the false alarms, but my newborn son Tommie Barbados keeps me up anyway.

I've picked one off already, and I dropped off in back of a Del Taco for use in their lunchtime special. I was bummed though - I should have saved the tail for hanging from the rear-view mirror of my F-250. Oh well - I got lots more coons on my radar!"

Tomorrow: Gary Japan's buddy Robb Uruguay and his mysterious Tivo loaded with porno...

Chad Vanuatu: Our San Diego correspondent...

May I introduce Chad Vanuatu, our San Diego correspondent. He's been living there for about 20 years, and has plenty to gripe about.

Today's issue: His commute home.

"So, after moving 2 miles in about 20 minutes, I wonder why I must sit and inhale fumes all the way down Gennessee Ave. Wait - I forgot - there are something like 20 people living on Regents Road, masquerading as environmentalists, standing in the way of completing the bridge over Rose Canyon, which would enable cars to run at an efficient speed and cut time off the commute and the pollution released into the environment. Thanks assholes."

Tomorrow's possible issue: Changing the signs for handicapped spots to "Anyone Who's Over 55 and Really Fat on a Rascal"....